The mayo did not survive.
My goal is to update this blog five times a week; sometimes it's impossible. Especially when the power company shows up and cuts off your power. The best piece of advice I can ever offer:
make sure your online bill pay is going through.
Last night was spent doing nothing. I found it near impossible to read; no matter how many candles I lit I couldn't see the words on the page. I now admire readers that came before electricity.
Here's my bookshelf by candlelight.
Labels: life
Remember this one thing: there is no kissing in the bookstore.
Single people tend to notice couples in any type of a store. Especially the young couples that kiss and hold hands. Normally I ignore them, except when in a bookstore. Single people are entitled to bookstores being their
territory: reading is a solitary experience; so please go to Best Buy and get some DVDs, thank you very much.
It's not that couples can't enter the Sacred Temple of the Single Person; there are guidelines that need to be followed. Here's a few that need to be established:
Don't hold hands. You're looking at the As, he's looking at the
Bs, and you're blocking my way.
There is no kissing in the bookstore. People don't need to hear
suck suck mmmm while they're reading the back of a book.
Giggling. It's only cute to the other person. Seriously.
Overheard conversations. Nobody cares that Denise read that book and didn't like it, and that Denise is also a slut who thinks Jeremy is hot. Use library voices.
That look. The look that a couple can give a single person and you--oh you just know--that both of them are thinking: "Poor single person, all lone in the world." We don't want your sympathy, we want our literature. Stop thinking it.
Labels: advice, couples
Taking a book to a bar.*
While it seems like a good way to get attention at a bar; a book just doesn't fit in at those types of places. The only appropriate time to take a book to a bar is when it's a gift, as evidence of my weekend proves. I could hear the snickers of the non-literary and received several unusual glances. Including one from a bouncer whose face read "This guy has got to be kidding, right?" However, these are all moot points: it was my friend's birthday and she deserved her copy of
A Changed Man.
Just be certain that liquor doesn't get on the book (or, if it's late into the night and many shots have been had, barf).
*Happy birthday, Sparkles.
Hanging Out in The Stacks: A Guide to Which Section of the Bookstore is the Best for Finding a Potential Date.
The question arises: which section of the bookstore is best for picking up a potential date you've spotted? What does that section say about that person? Here's a quick rundown.
Self-help. The self-help section is filled with books about sex and relationships; sounds good, right? Wrong. That person is there to improve their single status or buy something to help change their sex life; you can't tell if they're single or not. The only advice I can offer: if she’s clutching a copy of
He’s Just Not That Into You then you should point out that that’s why you’re not into her. If he's clutching a copy of
What Color is Your Parachute?; he's umemployed or unhappy with life, back away slowly.
Religion. Go to church if you want someone religious; this section is a waste of time.
Poetry. Poetry can often be the smallest section in any bookstore; it's barely a section at all, more of an aisle in most places. This is the best place to operate. The only problem is that it's the tiniest section because no one shops there. The advantage: you can almost rub elbows with them and have no excuse not to say hello. Just be sure you know a bit about poetry before jumping in.
Manga. They're 15 or spend more time playing video games than reading; abort.
Sci-fi & Fantasy. Who doesn't like a good sci-fi novel? Heinlein, Dick, Pratchett; all are located here. The potential is comfortable with being in this section because they're comfortable with who they are. The only detraction: if you like serious literature it's a possibility that all this person reads is sci-fi and fantasy novels. You will have nothing in common. But if it's your cup of tea, go for it.
Art. The art section is a difficult one. One cannot go into this section and randomly open books; most of them have plastic wrapping. The art section also suffers from being tiny; it can be smaller than the poetry section sometimes. This isn't the place to be as most people won't enter the aisle if they see someone else in it.
Politics. Throw on a campaign button and go hang out while reading Ann Coulter, Michael Moore, or Thomas "
He Got Kansas So Wrong" Frank. The campaign button attracts attention, the book itself doesn't matter; if you get caught reading Coulter and that person is a liberal; simply state that you have to read her shit to combat her ideas.
Fiction. Get caught reading what you want to read. It's the largest section and the most populated. The draw back: their partner could be around the corner.
The restroom. Senator Craig had the right idea; but chances are slim that a conversation can be struck up in this area. Unless, of course, the cop arresting you is a diehard Vonnegut fan.
If all else fails. There's a coffee shop located in most chain bookstores these days; go sip a latte, read, and wait.
Labels: advice, encounters, possible coitus
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I met a girl at work once and she was nice. It came up in conversation that her ex-boyfriend had killed her cat after they broke up. My genius idea to 'woo her': I gave her a copy of
P.S. Your Cat is Dead.
We're just friends now.
Labels: life
The perfect book to bring up in every conversation.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy* is a springboard for any type of bookish conversation. It's a safe bet that the person has read it and enjoyed it and that you can both bask in its glory. From there you launch to Neil Gaiman or Monty Python (both being great and both being British). Those types of conversations can never be bad.
Of course, he or she could always say "I thought that was a movie, not a book." This person can only redeam theirself by stating that the 1980s version of the movie is superior to the 2005 version. And if that doesn't happen; you've wasted your time.
*It's a shame Adams has died. I think he's responsible for more hook-ups than Shakespeare. Labels: advice, conversations, Douglas Adams
Brandon had an encounter in a bookstore...
with sexy results.
Labels: encounters
Giving a book to an ex.
I once gave an ex-girlfriend three books for her birthday, we had broken up the week before. The three books were
The Devil Wears Prada,
Wicked, and
Digital Fortress.
Don't let those three books fool you into thinking I like those authors: I loath Dan Brown, I can't stand
Prada, and
Wicked is a better play than it is a book. It was her taste, not mine.
When giving an ex-girlfriend--or anyone--a book, one must be careful with what they choose to give. You are sending a message to this person. My message to her: y
our taste in literature is offense and I know you'll like this shit because I got it out of a bargain bin at Target.
Here's a break down of what the three books said to her (whether or not she knew it):
- Digital Fortress: I can't believe you like this shit.
- The Devil Wears Prada: I really can't believe you like this shit.
- Wicked: You're something that rhymes with "witch" and it's not "pitch".
If I had wanted to say I'm sorry about all of this and happy birthday I would have given her some Terry Pratchett to make her laugh.
If I wanted to say you need cheering up with something heartwarming I would have given her Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.
The extent of our relationship is now speaking via AIM once a year.
Labels: bad books, Dan Brown, ex-girlfriends
Hitting on Girls in Bookstores.
The idea that a guy would reject a girl because she's a non-reader can be a shocking one. The whole "thing" works in this way: people are attracted to people that are like them. When explaining to someone that you would never date a person who hadn't read
Cloud Atlas or James Joyce they'll give you a dumbfounded look.
Yet, if you ask this same person if their significant other watches the same shows, enjoys the same movies, or supports the same basketball team; that's not odd. It's the books they get hung-up on.
The whole premise of this blog is to explore the connections that books can provide; that a relationship built on books can be as sturdy as any bookshelf; and that all a reader really wants out of a relationship is someone who can sit in the same room as them and do the holiest of all things: read and not speak.
